So which do you see? Two faces or a vase? If you said, “I see a candlestick holder”, okay, you still get a point.
If I asked you, “Which is more correct? The two faces or the vase? Which is more real?”, you’d say something like, “Don’t be foolish, Dave. It’s both. I see the two faces and I see the vase. They’re both real.”
So why is it when leaders receive feedback they disagree with (i.e. “Hey, as a leader you don’t do this well”), you may hear the leader say, “I know, I know. Perception is reality.”
And when you hear that, the subtext is often, “If the feedback providers just knew me/my situation better, they wouldn’t give me such harsh feedback.”
However, the truth is that it doesn’t make a difference: Others’ perception IS a leader’s reality. Period.
Unless the leader deals exclusively with the quantitative, which can be reliably measured and verified by disparate people, how people perceive you is your reality.
Who is to say that I’m not friendly? That I’m not hard-working? That I’m not rude? That I’m not a micro-manager?
Is there really an objective, independent measure for each of these?
And truly what I think is not as important as what others believe.
If they believe I’m kind, then I’m kind. If they believe I’m a jerk, then I’m a jerk.
And anyway, it’s a Pyrrhic victory asserting or trying to prove I’m not a [insert cringe-worthy noun here]. And do I truly want to fight that fight?
So, I see a hard-working, motivated leader, and they see a steamroller.
Guess what, I’m both.
But what I think, will do little to change what they think.
Their perception is your reality. It needs accepting.
So what to do?
Lead such that your behaviors and actions are unequivocal, living contradictions to their perception.
It will take consistency (over months, not days) and commitment. You may not win over all of them. But you will likely convert some of them.
And in truth, what other option do you have?
Answer #1: You totally knew what you were doing in your former job. You were good at it. You could do it with your eyes closed. Sometimes you did. But this job is new. You know a fraction of what goes on. But you’ll figure it out. Hopefully.
But there’s hope.
Footnote 2: Everyone hears voices, but it’s okay if they’re your own. And best if there’s only one of them. That being said, many high-potentials have had a constant companion voice in their head, judging and evaluating them. It’s kept them on track, on time, and on goal. So consider it an old friend. Just keep in mind that it (i.e. you) can see things that others don’t. This promotion is not one of those dreams / nightmares where you show up at a cocktail party without any clothes on (not that I have those types of dreams). So no worries; you’re not as exposed as you think you are.
So in summary, you may feel like a fraud, but no worries. Most people do when they take on a new role; it comes with the territory. And people can’t see through you, and can’t hear those voices that tell you you’re an amateur as you try to make it through the first few days and weeks. And your high standards will help you get through this. True, you may lose some sleep because you want to excel right out of the gate, but with some compassion for yourself, you’ll recover well should you stumble every now and then.
In 2001, I was in Manhattan during 9/11. Fifteen years later in 2016, I was living in Savannah (but did not stay) during Hurricane Matthew. Both were very different events, with entirely different causes, and entirely different implications and outcomes. But combined, they’ve left me with a few reflections on people, leaders, and just life in general:
immediately following the attacks. Three hours later, he was conducting a press conference with then-governor George Pataki. When asked about casualties, Giuliani responded, “The number of casualties will be more than any of us can bear ultimately.”
neighborhoods suffered similar fates. Thousands of trees are down in the Savannah area, and many homes are seriously damaged. Yet all of my family eventually returned to Savannah after the evacuation, safe and sound. No flooding in my home. No trees hit the roof. So eventually one asks, “Why?” “Why was my home spared, and others’ not?” “Why do I get to return to my daily routine rather readily, whereas others will take much more time?” Those are interesting questions to ponder, but the answers are quite elusive. Instead, I think the greater significance is found in our daily focus: We take the continuity of our lives for granted and as a given, when in fact, it’s really more “I’m here because I slept in late that day.” Somethings are just random, and more often we need to stop, just stop, and enjoy that we are here, now.
This past Christmas, my wife and I decided not to give gifts to each other. For previous Christmases, we each had said “no more gifts”, but one of us would ultimately violate the mandate and end up buying the other something.
